The Three Rules of Parental Hardships (Part 1)

If You Knew Then What You Know Today,
Would You Still Choose to be a Parent and Raise Kids?

Okay, that sounds like I'm starting off with a really controversial and harsh question. So let me tell you how I answered that question when asked it last week. I answered that I completely agreed that raising kids was kind of awful in many ways, but "YES," I would still choose today to have and raise my kids, no matter what.



I found this conversation enlightening in comparing how the insights of a friend without children coincided with my own child-rearing experiences. This all started last week when I met a good friend of mine for lunch. She is an extremely accomplished, bright, interesting and charming person in her mid-30's with her primary focus on her career aspirations. In the conversation, she came to mention that she and her husband had finally decided that they would not be having children. She had never really warmed up to the idea of raising kids, and her feelings had not changed over the course of twelve years of marriage. I praised her decision and the strength of her convictions. My response was rooted in my own experience of learning how really difficult and unpleasant child-rearing can be -- it's not for the faint of heart! And I absolutely believe that couples who are only lukewarm on having children should never be pushed into it by society's expectations that all married couples should want to have children.

As the conversation unfolded, my friend mentioned an informal poll she had taken several years ago among her work colleagues. She had asked each of them if they would choose all over again to have their kids. Astonishingly, she said that about 50% stated they might not choose the path of parenting if they had the chance to go back again. Even more interestingly, of those that said they would still choose to have kids, most of their kids were still babies! These parents hadn't yet experienced the trials that start around two years old when the first stirrings of independence set in and which continue through the separation imperatives of the teenage years!

Then my friend asked what I had thought of my parenting experiences so far, with my kids having reached their early teen years (they are 14 and 12 years old). I just laughed and replied, "Oh, it's been just as awful as your other friends told you!" In Part 2 of this entry, I'll describe what I call the three rules of parental hardship which are a few of the specific, unexpected and shocking lessons I have had to learn during the last dozen years of raising my kids.

But first, let me end this entry by explaining why, even in the face of tremendous parenting stress, I would still choose to have and raise my kids. As I told my friend last week, kids broaden and expand your horizons in a way that nothing else can. When you work full time and devote yourself only to your career, you miss out on much of the greater community that surrounds you. But through your child, you are drawn into the community via your child's school and extracurricular activities. Your child's interests will draw you into parts of the world that you never even knew existed. My son started ice hockey last year, and I just LOVE to attend his games and be welcomed as a participant in the local ice arena's agenda.

Besides the ability to join into the larger community, there's also the opportunity to see a newly forming person develop, struggle, grow and succeed. It's wonderful to see your child win a competition or master a difficult feat. In these situations, a child's open and unfiltered emotions of joy and self-confidence are the perfect antidote to the adult cynicism we might otherwise develop in the face of a tough world.

And, of course, my two kids are the two souls who are closest to me in the world. They are where I belong -- they make me part of a family. And that's the best reason I know for wanting to live in a world that includes my kids.

Tomorrow, in Part 2 of this entry, I'll list my three rules of parental hardship that have probably caused many parents to dream about how easy life would be without their kids.