Bouncing Back

Some things in life seem like a paradox. Intuition tells you to do one thing, but research proves that just the opposite is true. Raising children can feel like that sometimes. We want to act in ways that show our children the greatest possible amounts of love and kindness, but what they really need is a little toughness, a few restrictions, and to feel a bit of disappointment mixed in with all of that love.

Children have only one real job throughout their childhood -- they simply need to be present as time and experiences accumulate that will help them mature physically, emotionally, and intellectually. By definition, children are not mature. They feel the powerful emotions of greed, jealousy, desire, and anger, but they have few emotional resources to help them manage these powerful feelings. Without parental intervention, these feelings will run unchecked in a child's behavior, leading to progressively worsening life skills.



It is our job as parents to help our children learn to handle these powerful feelings and to display more appropriate responses to their emotions. So how does this translate into parenting terms? It turns out that setting boundaries for our children actually reinforces both good behavioral choices and contributes to a strong sense of safety and security.

First, let's look at what can go wrong. The child who is raised in a permissive environment is left pretty much free to do as he or she pleases. They can go anywhere, they can take things from others, they can be rude, and they can tell their parents how things are going to be. Over time, a child is rewarded for these behaviors since the result will always be that the child got what he or she wanted. This results in the traits of greed, insensitivity, rudeness, carelessness, and similar poor behaviors being reinforced in the child's personality. At the same time, on a deeper level, the child begins to understand that the parents don't seem too interested in anything the child does -- good or bad. Ultimately, a child in such an environment will have both very poor behavior and very low self-esteem.

On the other hand, a child who is raised in a disciplined environment receives much more input on his or her day-to-day choices. If a child is rude or greedy, they receive a negative reprimand and soon learn that unhappy consequences flow from unacceptable behavior. Thus, negative behaviors soon become associated with negative outcomes. And, in a really savvy parenting environment, if positive behaviors are equally positively reinforced, you will soon have a child who wins at every turn and who feels really good about his or her life. In this scenario, good discipline teaches a child to succeed in human interactions, resulting in a constant, natural and positive feedback and reinforcement cycle. Furthermore, the healthy dosage of caring parental attention (even when discipline is being administered) results in a child who feels they are important in the world.

So show your child the best possible kind of love... and tell them what they won't be allowed to do!