Bouncing Back

If You Knew Then What You Know Today,
Would You Still Choose to be a Parent and Raise Kids?

In Part 1 of this entry, I described how some parents have expressed that they might think twice if given a another chance to decide whether to have kids or not. If you haven't yet read Part 1, you may wonder if I'm about to describe how awful kids are. Trust me, that's not my objective. Rather, while I've enjoyed raising my kids, I have also been relatively shocked to learn how truly difficult and unpleasant raising kids can be. Now this doesn't mean that my kids haven't been worth the effort. It simply means what I first said -- that I have been shocked on a number of occasions when experiencing the reality of parenting in all of its glory.



My three rules of parental hardships have been formulated over time based on repeated, pervasive issues that I have experienced in raising my kids. These rules are not meant to criticize kids. After all, if children acted as responsibly as adults, then there wouldn't be the concept of childhood (the time for growing into adult skills). Rather, my three rules of parental hardships are meant to let parents everywhere know they are not alone. In fact, it is entirely possible that your child's latest little trick is entirely normal and age-appropriate!

1. The Relentlessness of Parenting

My first rule of parental hardships is what I call the "relentlessness of parenting." While this rule may apply more to a single parent like me, where there is only one adult responsible for a child, I'm sure it partially applies to two-parent families in light of today's busy working lifestyles.

Before adopting my daughter, I was a successful career woman who traveled often and worked whatever hours were needed to get the job done. I had a great deal of freedom and as much job satisfaction and success as I could want. However, after adopting my daughter, I was suddenly on a 24-hour-a-day leash. I had become responsible for this vulnerable toddler who's safety had to be assured every second of every day. I had to know where she was, who was taking care of her, when I needed to pick her up, what I needed to rearrange in order to get to her on time -- all with no excuses... ever!

Even on my off hours, I soon realized that my priorities had to be completely rearranged. If I wanted to go shopping, get my hair done or see friends, I needed to first assure that she was taken care of. Then there was the guilt of realizing her need for my time and attention was more important than any of these other normal adult activities. I soon came to accept that there was no longer even one moment when my needs came first. I learned that the presence and immediacy of parental responsibilities were relentless and never-ending.

2. Kids Destroy Everything You Have

As my kids got older, more active and more independent, I learned my second rule of parental hardships: "Kids destroy everything you have." Now this quote actually came from a friend of mine whose kids were already in their mid-teens. At the time he made this comment, I thought it was such an odd thing to say. But within a few years, I totally understood the sentiment!

This hardship applies to the material items of your life such as your prized china collection, your important legal documents, your brand new car, your computer or any other item that can be physically damaged or lost. It doesn't matter what physical objects you value or why you value them, your kids will ultimately break, stain, lose, or otherwise destroy them.

For example, I have a very nice set of Mikasa stainless silverware that I have loved for many years. Would you believe that 10 out of the 16 forks have gone missing within the last year? My kids take the silverware to eat something, toss it aside when they're done, and the silverware soon becomes lost in the chaotic jumble of my kids' young teen lives. Now, please, of course I have a rule that all eating is done in the kitchen! But unless you follow your young teenagers around 24x7, it's very hard to know what they're up to much of the time.

3. Overwhelming Emotion for the Unprepared Parent

My third rule of parental hardships has also emerged during those wonderful pre-teen and early teen years. This is the rule of the "overwhelming emotion for the unprepared parent." As an adult, and especially as an adult in the professional workplace, most of us learn to apply certain acceptable behaviors to manage our emotions. While we may get truly furious or truly humiliated in our adult environment, we don't normally scream at each other. In our adult world, we may get try to get even, we may talk behind the other person's back, we may make snide comments to our adversary, but we don't actually SCREAM at them!

Then one day, our beautiful sweet child will become an emotional, explosive pre-teen. On this day, an adult who is used to an adult world will be totally unprepared for the physicality of emotions that are thrown in their direction. We'll try to be rational, and we'll want to talk through the concerns our child is having, but this will just lead to even greater levels of erratic, physical, screaming emotion. Yikes! Who is this monster that has taken over my beautiful child! And, hey, I have no experience at all in dealing with emotional maniacs!

So you see, once you've lived through a healthy dose of the three rules of parental hardship, you can truly begin to understand why some parents wonder if having kids was actually the happiest choice they could have made for their lives. Well, look, that's the key. Do you bring children into your life with the expectation of non-stop happiness? Or, rather, were you looking to help a new soul come into being, helping them learn to thrive on their own, and maybe enjoying the journey along the way, even if it includes a healthy dose of parental hardships?

In Part 1 of this entry, I already stated how I would choose -- YES, despite all of the hardships that my children may heap upon me, I cannot imagine living a life without them.